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(And I thought it would be pretty bad.)
by Macall Gordon, M.A
Parental burnout is no joke. It's more than just fatigue or frustration. It refers to a chronic state of exhaustion where demands far outstrip resources (Mikolajczak & Roskam, 2019). Not only can burnout sap the joy right out of parenting, but because the demands don’t let up or go away, it can worsen over time. When this happens, parents may self-protect by emotionally withdrawing from their children or parenting on "auto-pilot.". Burnout also can result in harsher, more inconsistent parenting (Paula et al., 2021) and parenting on “auto-pilot.” In extreme situations, it can lead to substance use (self-medicating), “escape ideation” (running away, suicidality), and depression.
In the U.S. (and other countries with an individualistic orientation), the prevalence of parental burnout is about 9% (Roskam et al., 2021). Rates are significantly higher in parents of children with medical conditions (Lindström et al., 2010) and they were also higher during the COVID-19 pandemic (Griffiths et al., 2022).
Okay, hang onto your hat . . .
If parental burnout is a rising problem for parents in general, how much more prevalent is it in families with one or more children who are "livewires" — intense, sensitive, persistent, non-stop?
To find out, I polled parents in two very large Facebook groups dedicated to this subgroup of children, and in addition to questions about their general preferences for the group, I asked five questions from the Brief Parental Burnout Scale (Aunola et al., 2022). I received 294 total responses. Across the group, more than 75% of them scored in the range of burnout (≤2 on a 10-point scale). Almost 40% of these, were in an “extreme” range (≤7 on a 10-point scale). Shocking, but not surprising.
The prevalence of parental burnout in this sample of parents (n=294) was more than 75% — eight times higher than the average. (See results by age below.)
Why parents of alert/intense children are particularly vulnerable
Anything that increases stress for parents can make them more vulnerable to burnout: being a single parent or a parent with a deployed partner, parents in marginalized groups, having more than one child, etc. The more stressors these parents have, the greater the risk of burnout. However, there are a few additional sources of stress that may not be so obvious.
1. Social pressure and comparison.
Research has also found that a sense of a discrepancy between the parent you “should” be (based on societal pressure) and the parent you are leads directly to burnout (Roskam et al., 2024). Parents of more alert/sensitive/intense children often compare their experience to those of parents of mellower children (who often represent all of the parents they know and certainly most of those they see on social media). The discrepancy between the lived experience of parents of livewires and other parents is immense and most parents don’t realize that they are on a completely different path because they have a different kind of child. Instead, they blame and doubt themselves and wonder if they just suck at parenting. Which leads directly to the next risk factor.
2. Parental self-efficacy.
Self-efficacy is the sense of competence and doing a good job and has been shown to buffer parents against burnout.
It’s hard to feel effective or successful when the strategies that are supposed to work easily and well, just don’t (Troutman et al., 2012). “What am I doing wrong? Why am I the only one struggling like this? Do I just suck at being a parent?”
In 2019, I conducted a large-scale survey about temperament and I found that parents of alert/intense children rated themselves significantly lower on competence than parents of mellow children.
3. The reality of parenting alert/sensitive/intense children.
Children who are alert and social and active and intense require more from their parents around the clock: more soothing, more interaction, more presence. It honestly never ends. These are the little ones who can sleep 30 minutes and they’re up and at it again. There are no breaks. And if your overnight sleep is also massively broken, you are running on fumes.
What can parents do?
We can’t change the reality of navigating parenthood with a whip-smart, non-stop, never-sleepy, hurricane of a child, but there may be small things you can do to help you stave off full-on, actual burnout.
Lower the bar and your expectations. You will not have the same life as parents of mellow children. I wish you could, but it’s like having any child with a difference. You are on a different road. That said, lower the bar for yourself. Step away from Instagram, don’t read books that aren’t specifically about your brand of child, let some things go. Lighten the load on yourself.
Shift your perspective. As much as possible, look for the “upsides” to challenging behaviors. A kiddo who’s persistent and knows what they want will do well in life. A child who’s deeply sensitive can be creative and empathic. A child who melts down from too much stimulation is also sensitive and feels things deeply. This is not easy to do when you’re tired, but a negative lens that casts your child as being intentionally “bad,” only makes it worse – it makes you feel horrible and often increases the difficult behavior.
Give yourself some credit. Self-compassion is a simple action that has massive, documented benefits. Taking just a moment to talk to yourself the way a friend would sounds like it won’t do anything…but it DOES (Stentz & Breitmeyer, 2023). Just saying to yourself, “You are really trying hard.” Or just “You love your kids and that matters.” Or “There, there.” Makes a difference.
Put a little gas in your tank. Amanda Diekman (Low Demand Amanda) wrote a brilliant piece called “The Art of Itty Bitty Breaks.” When parents are so tired, they can barely function, it may seem silly to take a “tiny break.” I remember when I was probably in burnout and someone would talk about that stupid “bubble bath” strategy. For me, there was not enough bubble bath in the world to make a dent in how tired I was. What I didn’t realize was that, even though a small break wouldn’t have been a cure-all, it could have been a cure-a-little, and “a little break” would have been better than “no break.” Take the breaks.
Get support. Mental health support, housework support, childcare support, emotional support…get some. Find a tribe of like-minded, similarly challenged parents so you have a circle of folks who get what you’re going through.
Parenting a big-personality, deep-feeling child is not for the faint of heart. It takes courage, stamina, and a ton of blind faith. But the unrelenting nature of it can also do a number on us mentally, emotionally, and physically. Burnout has actual, tangible costs for you and for your children. Do whatever it takes to make sure that you have some of what you need to function.
Resources
References
Aunola, K., Sorkkila, M., Tolvanen, A., Tassoul, A., Mikolajczak, M., & Roskam, I. (2021). Development and validation of the Brief Parental Burnout Scale (BPBS). Psychological Assessment, 33(11), 1125–1137. https://doi.org/10.1037/pas0001064
Griffith, A. K., Bedard, K. E., Eaton, A., Ackerlund Brandt, J. A., & Jha, P. (2022). Effects of the COVID-19 pandemic on parental burnout and parenting practices: Analyses using a retrospective pretest. Chronic Stress (Thousand Oaks, Calif.), 6, 24705470221114060. https://doi.org/10.1177/24705470221114059
Lin, G.-X., Szczygieł, D., Hansotte, L., Roskam, I., & Mikolajczak, M. (2021). Aiming to be perfect parents increases the risk of parental burnout, but emotional competence mitigates it. Current Psychology. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12144-021-01509-w
Lindström, C., Åman, J., & Norberg, A. L. (2010). Increased prevalence of burnout symptoms in parents of chronically ill children. Acta Paediatrica, 99(3), 427-432.
Meeussen, L., & Van Laar, C. (2018). Feeling pressure to be a perfect mother relates to parental burnout and career ambitions. Frontiers in Psychology, 9, 2113. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2018.02113
Mikolajczak, M., Raes, M. E., Avalosse, H., & Roskam, I. (2018). Exhausted parents: Sociodemographic, child-related, parent-related, parenting and family-functioning correlates of parental burnout. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 27, 602-614.
Mikolajczak, M., & Roskam, I. (2018). A theoretical and clinical framework for parental burnout: The balance between risks and resources (BR2). Frontiers in Psychology, 9, 886. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2018.00886
Paula, A. J. D., Condeles, P. C., Moreno, A. L., Ferreira, M. B. G., Fonseca, L. M. M., & Ruiz, M. T. (2021). Parental burnout: A scoping review. Revista Brasileira de Enfermagem, 75, e20210203.
Roskam, I., Aguiar, J., Akgun, E., Arena, A. F., Arikan, G., Aunola, K., Besson, E., Beyers, W., Boujut, E., Brianda, M. E., Brytek-Matera, A., Budak, A. M., Carbonneau, N., César, F., Chen, B.-B., Dorard, G., Dos Santos Elias, L. C., Dunsmuir, S., Egorova, N., … Mikolajczak, M. (2024). Three reasons why parental burnout is more prevalent in individualistic countries: A mediation study in 36 countries. Social Psychiatry and Psychiatric Epidemiology, 59(4), 681–694. https://doi.org/10.1007/s00127-023-02487-z
Roskam, I., Aguiar, J., Akgun, E., Arikan, G., Artavia, M., Avalosse, H., Aunola, K., Bader, M., Bahati, C., Barham, E. J., Besson, E., Beyers, W., Boujut, E., Brianda, M. E., Brytek-Matera, A., Carbonneau, N., César, F., Chen, B.-B., Dorard, G., … Mikolajczak, M. (2021). Parental burnout around the globe: A 42-country study. Affective Science, 2(1), 58–79. https://doi.org/10.1007/s42761-020-00028-4
Roskam, I., & Mikolajczak, M. (2023). Parental burnout in the context of special needs, adoption, and single parenthood. Children (Basel, Switzerland), 10(7). https://doi.org/10.3390/children10071131
Roskam, I., & Mikolajczak, M. (2022, September 1). How much can a parent bear? Cumulative risk in parental burnout. Proceedings of 3rd International Conference on Psychological Studies.
Stenz, C. F., Breitmeyer, A. M., & Jansen, K. L. (2023). Parenting stress and self-compassion in parents of children with and without psychological disorders. The Family Journal, 31(2), 308-313.
Troutman, B., Moran, T. E., Arndt, S., Johnson, R. F., & Chmielewski, M. (2012). Development of parenting self‐efficacy in mothers of infants with high negative emotionality. Infant Mental Health Journal, 33(1), 45-54.
Macall Gordon has a B.S. from Stanford in Human Biology and an M.A. from Antioch University, Seattle in Applied Psychology. She is a researcher looking at the relationship between temperament and sleep, and the gap between research and parenting advice on sleep training, and the effect of expert advice on sleep. She is a certified pediatric sleep consultant working in private practice, as well as on the women’s telehealth platform, Maven Clinic. She is the co-author (with Kim West, The Sleep Lady) of the upcoming book, “Why Won’t You SLEEP?! A Game-changing Approach for Exhausted Parents of Nonstop, Super Alert, Big Feeling Kids.” She comes to this work because she had two sensitive, intense children and she didn’t sleep for 18 years.
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